Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
