Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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