How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
