Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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