cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
