Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
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