I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Someone came in the potted fern
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
