Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
