omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
