Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
