At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
