He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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