if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
