Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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