i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
