when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
