yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
