Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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