you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
this hospital has no fireball
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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