Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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