I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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