We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
