I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
