Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
a search helicopter?!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm sobbing to NWA
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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