Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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