I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
