Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
