VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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