the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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