1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I supernannyed him into submission
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
