there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Couch. On fire.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
