alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
