If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
