I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
