Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
