maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
