"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
