is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
