Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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