You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
