I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
