i already hear my dad disowning me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
