Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
