two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
