quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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