The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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