remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
