I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this is an emotional support booty call
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
