I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
