Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
